It is impossible to write down, as there are no letters in the alphabet that, when strung together, can mimic the sound.

It is a groan, it sounds something like “arghuuuu…,” or maybe it's as simple as a drawn out “uhhhhhhgggg…,” but regardless of how it's spelled, it most often sounds the same, and while the circumstances surrounding why this groan is uttered differ, they're all worthy of a moment.

I've had so many groan moments — far too many to fit into a single column. These moments, unsurprisingly, have been sprinkled liberally throughout my past, and I anticipate many more dotting my future.

These are the moments you wish you could grab back and do over, and what's worse is that you know you're creating a groan moment even before it's complete. But it's too late. It's always too late. You've added another to the list, another reason to grab your face in the shower, bow your head and say, “uhhhggg…”

It is always in the shower these moments resurface. You may not have thought about it for weeks, months or years even, but suddenly, while working the shampoo through your hair one morning it'll come back with a vengeance.

I remember my first groan moment. I was about six and was visiting family. My sister, who was 10, whispered in my ear: “You should tell auntie that she has a double chin.”

Being six, I figured that a double anything was awesome. It meant more of something, right? More ice cream was great, as was more time before bed. More candy? Stupendous! How could more chin be bad?

So, when I informed my auntie that she was the proud owner of a double chin, and when I saw her eyes widen and fill with tears, and heard my sister gasp behind my back, I died inside.

Ugghhh.

Then there was high school, which was one groan moment after another. For me, problems typically arose when I tried to be clever, which was often. This desire to be clever is still causing me difficulties.

Like, for example, when I knock on someone's office door and tell them to “put on your pants, I'm coming in.” Might be funny if I actually know the person, but to a relative stranger it's inappropriate.

Uggghhh.

Recently, a coworker informed me of an odd verbal tick I possess, which added another groan to my sack of moments.

Apparently, I often sign off a telephone interview with the expression: “That'll do me.” Otherwise known as “I've got what I need from this interview and I'm hanging up the phone now,” that'll do me, according to this co-worker, just comes across as sounding rude — dirty even. This was evidenced by her exasperated plea: “Could you please stop saying ‘do me!'”

Unfortunately, by now “that'll do me,” has become an ingrained part of my vernacular. As such, when I caught myself saying it again, all I managed was a “that'll do…” before turning around, catching this colleague's eye, and making some sort of gagging, honking, laughing noise into the telephone.

Uggghhh.

Ah the telephone. Apparently it's bad form to forget to hang up after having left a voice mail. Apparently, and this might just be a rumour, people don't enjoy hearing exactly what you think of them after you think you've already hung up. Granted, it's not my fault she's a “moron,” but I suppose I should have waited until the little red light stopped blinking on my phone before mentioning it.

Uggghhh.

If this plethora of groan moments has taught me anything, it's about having a bit of sensitivity. Not much of a cusser, I do catch myself saying, “Oh my God,” and, “Jesus!” on occasion. Not out of disrespect to the fellows mentioned, rather, as an expression of either surprise or dismay. Those exclamations might go unnoticed by the bulk of the population, but when you utter them while interviewing a nice old lady who happens to have a large crucifix decorating her sideboard, you're entitled to another groan.

I've found it's no good to share your moments with others. One quickly learns that the retelling of someone's groan moment is almost worse than just coping with it alone. Saying it out load, or heck, even writing them down, doesn't make it better.





Uggghhh… that'll do me.