Came home to find a stag in my house, staring at his reflection in the mirror. Somehow, Buck had contrived to stick a blinking red light over his nose, lashing it to his antlers with
I peered closer. The flasher looked familiar. “Is that the light from the back of my bike?”
“Needed it for Halloween,” he said. “I’m dressing up as Rudolph — with a sleighful of slutty elves.”
I winced. Deer are pigs.
But then, people aren’t that well-behaved around Halloween, either.
Not so long ago, Halloween was for the kids: wrap them in a sheet, cut a couple of eyeholes in a pillowcase and send them out as ghosts or Klansmen, staggering into the blackness of what sounded like the Tet Offensive of 1968, the distant rat-a-tat-tat of firecrackers mimicking small arms fire, punctuated by the periodic boom of the heavy stuff taking out a garden shed.
No one thought that odd until B.C. Children’s Hospital declared this province to be the
“North American capital of fireworks injuries.” Small children, darkness, limited-vision costumes, liquor and explosives — what could possibly go wrong?
Gradually, municipalities began to ban fireworks until they became harder to find than
Stephen Harper’s Mike Duffy Fan Club card. We could theoretically try to smuggle them in from Washington state (what, you think a country that offers free assault rifles when you open a chequing account is going to ban Roman candles?) but even there they’re scarce outside of the Fourth of July.
As a consequence, Halloween night itself has become pretty tame. Trick-or-treating in daylight. Pumpkins with faces that are felt-penned, not carved, lest little fingers get sliced.
Not much vandalism. Few accidental maimings.
The weekend before Halloween, on the other hand, has become a gong show in fishnet stockings, a kids’ event hijacked by adults wearing scantily clad fantasies, a night rivaling New Year’s Eve as the biggest party date on the calendar.
And the costumes! When did Obama and Harper pass the law requiring women to dress like they’re pole dancing at the peeler bar? According to the New Jersey Star-Ledger, this year’s most popular get-ups include the Sexy Breaking Bad — featuring an unzipped, mini-skirted hazmat suit — and the Sexy Duck Dynasty, with a tutu, stiletto heels and thigh-highs to go with the camo vest and hat.
In fact, Halloweencostumes.com offers not just your traditional naughty nurse, naughty French maid, naughty librarian and naughty teacher, but a “sexy” line featuring more than 1,300 outfits ranging from the Miley Cyrus-inspired Twerky Teddy to the Sexy SWAT Sniper and — hey, Buck, you listening? — a Sexy Deer outfit that includes an antlered headband and little white tail.
Forget pint-sized witches and goblins knocking on your door in search of Rice Krispie squares, ‘Howloween’ has become an excuse for adults to shed inhibitions and dive into the kind of bacchanalia that would make Charlie Sheen turn pink at the ears.
My self-invited house guest struck a pose and leered at the mirror, a one-Buck red-light district: “Trick or treat, baby.”
Jack Knox, Kamloops born and raised, writes for the Victoria Times Colonist.