A new year, time to predict the stories that will shape our lives in 2014.
* Jan. 1 — Phased-in ban of incandescent lights begins in Canada. Stores no longer stock 75- and 100-watt bulbs.
* Jan. 1. — Sale of marijuana becomes legal in Colorado, with Washington state to follow in mid-2014. End of Prohibition kills market for smuggled B.C. Bud.
* Jan. 5 — Weed dealers switch to selling incandescent bulbs.
* Jan. 12 — After a year in which he gets in scuffles with neighbours and photographers, is sued by a bodyguard for assault, moons on Instagram, shows up late for a London concert, gets in a fight in a Hamptons nightclub, has his monkey confiscated in Germany, angers a couple of ex-NFL players with his reckless driving, is banned from a Vegas indoor skydiving facility, serenades his grandmother while wearing nothing but a guitar and is filmed urinating in a mop bucket and cursing at a photo of Bill Clinton, Justin Bieber wins the Golden Globe award for World’s Second Most Erratic Canadian.
* Feb. 23 — Russia wins Olympic hockey gold after Vladimir Putin jails Sidney Crosby for “hooliganism.” Rioters leave downtown Vancouver in flames. “Sorry,” they say. “Reflex.”
* April 10 — Prime Minister Stephen Harper is buoyed by polls showing him to be the most popular politician in the country.
* April 11 — The country in question turns out to be China. Chairman Stephen moves to Beijing.
* May 9 — Seeking to retain Toronto base, Conservatives make Rob Ford prime minister.
* May 10 — Doug Ford named governor general/social convener.
* June 1 — Having exterminated the penny, the Royal Canadian Mint replaces the nickel with Canadian Tire money.
* June 2 — Protesters outside mint chant “We want nickel back.”
* June 19 — NDP Leader Thomas “I Scowl In My Sleep” Mulcair pulls a groin while attempting to look relaxed and charismatic.
* July 13 — Brazil wins soccer’s World Cup. Rioters leave downtown Vancouver in flames.
“Sorry,” they say. “Reflex.”
* Aug. 4 — Thermometers in Winnipeg reach 41 C, raising 2014 average daily temperature to absolute zero.
* Aug. 16 — A Kardashian will get married/divorced/pregnant in a highly public manner. Going out on a limb here.
* Oct. 14 — Harper capitalizes on inspiration of astronaut Chris Hadfield by leaving Canadian Space Agency projects unfunded, shutting Canada’s scientific libraries and throwing out a treasure trove of scientific research. Wait, no, that was 2013.
* Oct. 15 — Conservatives cancel Avro Aero “for old time’s sake.”
* Nov. 7 — CRTC orders broadcasters to stop referring to Justin Trudeau as Prime Minister-in-Waiting McDreamy
* Nov. 18 — B.C.’s liquefied natural gas plans are put in jeopardy by a warning from Health Canada: “Studies show fracking is associated with an increased risk of chronic back pain, joint damage and problem pregnancies.”
* Nov. 19 — Natural gas plans back on track after Health Canada admits confusing “fracking” with “twerking.”
* Dec. 22 — Caught doing hooters shooters with topless waitress during trade mission to Colorado, Prime Minister Ford apologizes. “Sorry. So, so, so sorry. It’s the
Toronto Star’s fault. Support our troops. Look, I can carve a bong out of a potato.”
Jack Knox writes for the Victoria Times Colonist. He was born and raised in Kamloops.